I am writing because it reliefs all those internal built up emotions, I always can be just me when writing. I am not a literary genius. But once it is typed out, the weight is lifted and I feel happy and proud that I had the courage to open up and share. The biggest realization of this happened last year around this time. I posted on Facebook the below post, and since then I think I have come a long way. The reactions to this post was the main reason after one year I decided to share more, thank you all for the love. I still have a lot to learn but I want to take a moment and look back…
Facebook – March 9, 2017:
I doubted to share this but then as usual I thought fuck it. Family apologies for the swearing but you taught me to be honest so there it goes….
This is a personal post. I know I have people from professional circles on my Facebook and all but yeah honesty it is.
If you are not into that keep scrolling further for fun animal videos.
I am doing this not only for myself but for everybody whoever experienced something similar.
I cannot gather 20 people and tell this in a group because you know globalization, everybody I like sharing things with is some place else so I thought virtually I still can do it with the people I usually interact without “bothering” them and being annoying. I know this is already a bit annoying but whatever.
The remaining 400 or what acquaintances I hope you don’t mind. If you do yeah just suck it up. Thanks in advance. Alright alright I am starting…
Today was my last session at my psychologist. From the outside you might think bitch what? You to a psychologist? or of course some might say damn time you noticed it… All acceptable.
The point I want to make is in the past 6 months I struggled. I struggled with the expectations people had from me. I struggled with distances. I struggled with the way I looked. I struggled with my career. I struggled with maintaining my social life and personal life.
For a long ass while I was on auto pilot without knowing that that was not good. Slowly I started to feel that I was not the same person. I reacted more aggressively and was more pessimistic. Of course, sarcasm remained a great deal of my life and always will but something had changed. I needed to take action despite the fact that my couch and blanket and the food I ordered was so comforting and almost impossible to leave.
My best friend (some call him Yego), closest friends, and family encouraged me.
Oh boy it was tough but I went to speak to a lady I never met before to talk about personal very personal things.
At first I bursted in tears. Then we talked and talked. She gave me tips. I used them. They even have apps for this. Tremendously helpful ones. I slowly felt better. Hated myself less. Started celebrating myself for who I am more.
Decided that I wanted to do more things that made ME as an individual proud and happy.
My brain and the negative energy spiral that I gave power to and fed was slowly dying.
My mother told me something will have meaning as much as you give meaning to it.
Damn right! I was letting negativity trick me and was letting myself drown in it.
Of course, I am no pollyanna (a book character which every Turk I know had to meet at some point).
However, I took control over my own life. I found balance.
I found strength.
Strength enough to heal myself and eventually type this out.
If you ever thought something is not as it should be and feel out of balance but say to yourself look everybody is so happy why shouldn’t I be while I have a job, family, and friends…
No! Everybody is not happy.
I pretended a long time.
Pretending is not good.
Honestly it is painful and with the acting jesssuuus (or mohamed) so exhausting. I thought I deserved an Oscar more than Leo ever did at one point because you just get so good at acting but seriously DO NOT DO IT!
There is nothing to be ashamed of. Do not let your life go by on auto pilot. It is not worth hurting yourself mentally.
Trust me please help is out there. I am sharing this because I am feeling better!
Speaking to a psychologist, meditating, and practicing Reiki helped me tremendously to love and celebrate myself again.
By celebrating myself I am not talking about Kardashian kind of narcissism but yeah we could use a tip or two from them I guess in this case.
Currently, I am going to a job where I have awesome colleagues. I have a wonderful family that support me through thick and thin. I have amazing friends and a great man that loves me. In addition, more and more positivity and opportunities started coming my way.
I only NOW can feel the love and support again properly because I feel better. Before, I took it for granted and did not appreciate it because I did not appreciate myself enough as a good human being. Now because I know myself better and because I work on my self development better I feel everything better. I am not on auto pilot anymore and I am not numb anymore. I am in balance. I am hustling again. I am in a flow.
I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one. I know it is tough and I just hope this helps whoever is out there a little bit.
Go seek balance and eventually you will celebrate YOU again.